Tips for keeping the “mess with your ex” out of kids’ summer holidays
Spring is already here, and kids are starting to dream of summer holidays, late nights, sleeping in and playing with friends. For parents, it is time to start considering summer plans, camps, vacation days, childcare, and extra costs. The clock is ticking to line this all up, especially for separated/ divorced families coordinating their schedules according to parenting plans and agreements they often fought hard to finalize.
For many children, summer is the most enjoyable time of year. It’s the time when they can visit with family, experience new places and create special and lasting memories of their childhood. Let’s be honest here, as much as having children off school can be costly and stressful, especially for single parents, parents look forward to long sunny days too and all the time they can squeeze off work. Summer is just as short as it is precious, so it would be best spent creating positive memories for your children versus making it a significant source of tension and conflict for families.
Here are 10 tips, or reminders, that can help parents focus away from conflict and onto positive and productive summer planning, creating as many opportunities as possible. Remember that summers are much more than time off, they are opportunities for creating memories and stories your children will tell forever. We hope these points can help parents set differences aside and bring the best out in everyone.
1. Be as organized as you can muster: We know not everyone has this magical power, so it is important to start thinking about summer plans early on. Inevitably, time off must be booked, arrangements must be made, and summer camps sell out faster than a rock concert. The truth is you will have a much easier time discussing your summer needs and wishes with your ex if you are clear on your dates and plans and what you need to make it all happen for you and your kids.
2. Prep yourself, prep your children: Consider how you feel about being away from your children for longer stretches of time, if that is the arrangement you have with their other parent. Take care of your own feelings before approaching the matter with your children. Remember that kids often feel what we feel, so it is helpful to approach discussions ready to offer them comfort and support. Children may be distracted by a fun schedule and cope surprisingly well with distance, while the waiting parent has more time to feel lonely or worried.
3. Be sensitive of your children’s needs and developmental stage: Change can be very exciting; yet, very stressful for children, especially the little ones. Sometimes parents’ big plans sound fun but overwhelm a young child’s ability to tolerate change and transitions. It is okay to keep parenting time the same over the summer when appropriate, and create loads of fun opportunities, a couple of days at a time. Building on childrens’ capacity is a great way to make new experiences positive, keeping children feeling safe, trusting and open to other opportunities. Sometimes children experience a setback if they are pushed beyond their comfort levels. It’s important for parents to ask themselves; “Am I doing this for my children or for me?”. If my children seem stressed or visibly uncomfortable, what is the harm in waiting for a later time when they feel ready?”. Maybe you can save the money for those plane tickets and win the “Parent of the year award” with a slip and slide?
4. Be generous: Everything you make possible for your ex, you are making possible for your children; especially, when it comes to facilitating special summer activities. Whether you are able to help with supplies, finances, extra time, documents, or packing needed items your child can take, remember that you are helping to create memorable summer vacations for your children to remember and they notice what you are doing for them and modeling to them. If you have a hard time with generosity, just remember you are very unlikely to regret making summer fun possible for your children. Keep the focus where it belongs!
5. Be flexible: After separation/divorce, people start asking themselves “Why should I? I am not their partner anymore…”. Summer arrangements may be the perfect time, on behalf of your children, to try saying “Why the heck not?”, with a little collaboration and creativity parents can help make a special trip possible by shifting schedules, trading parenting days and backing each other up when one cannot take time off from work over the summer. Trust us when we say… your turn may come when you need that flexibility too!
6. Honour your children’s families and roots: Summer may be the only time when your children can visit with family members who live far away, or travel to experience their roots and other cultural backgrounds. It is important that this not be used as leverage between parents to negotiate other matters, possibly using the children’s family connections or even developing identity as negotiating power. While there can be rare reasons for some of these things, refusing children’s passports, denying travel letters or denying a couple of extra days to make an international trip possible can mean denying children of their own rights. If you and your family have always been in Canada, consider your privilege if you have relatives who can share Sunday meals with your kids or even just watch them play sports. Your children may need your help to facilitate their contact with relatives from afar and experience their other culture of origin.
7. Shoo away the green monster: Maybe your ex has a new partner who can afford exotic trips and time off, maybe the other parent has a pool or a place at the lake you cannot afford. Here is the thing: your children love you and can make special memories with you anywhere you are and with what you have. Turn on your sprinkler, crank up the music when they return from that trip that made you feel inadequate. They will come home to have a blast with you, right in the front yard, and that may even be their favorite memory of this upcoming summer.
8. Encourage positive phone/video contact: Kids may miss the other parents during summer vacation. It is important to take time from the fun adventures to honor those feelings and make contact. Being positive and snapping photos to send to a parent or considering the more positive times for a quick call or message are important ways to acknowledge your children’s feelings and the experience of the parent who misses them. If you are the one at home, consider the best time for your children to check-in as opposed to when you miss them the most.
9. Be honest: This may be the most important item of all. It might be tempting not to tell your ex that you are planning on travelling with the kids and your new date, or that you wish to visit that family member your ex does not feel comfortable with around the kids. Perhaps, you are considering lying to the kids about the number of days they will be away from mom or dad. Before you choose to say something other than the truth with the best of intentions, remember that trust is fundamental to children’s emotional safety, and that honesty is needed to make the suggestions above possible this coming summer and in the future. If there is a reason why your summer plans upset your ex or your children, perhaps their reasons may be worth some time discussing and considering. Your children’s trust in you will help them to follow your lead and accept your invitations for many summers to come!
10. Don’t play “summer scheduling games”: If your separation agreement/ parenting schedule allows for a longer stretch of days with the children over the summer or special occasions, rearranging things to return “on your week with the kids” may stretch your parenting time beyond what the other parent believes to be the agreed upon number of days. Doing this may make sense depending on how an agreement is written or read, but it misses the point that time away from parents is set with a focus on what is best for children according to their ages, stages and developmental needs.
Bonus tip!
11. Have fun! Life is short. Summers are precious.
We hope these tips can help you approach your upcoming summer plans with a more positive and realistic mindset. Your kids will benefit from all your effort, and we trust you will too. At Synergy Counselling, we know that sometimes co-parenting arrangements can be more complicated and may require extra steps. We can support families in working out the best ways to parent over the summer, and any other time for that manner! When separation and divorce are hard, we are here to help!