The most common goal I hear from couples in counselling is that they want to improve their communication when they fight. Many couples experience discord when trying to work through disagreements, hurts, betrayals, and disappointments, and they have a sense that there is a better way. However, research done by well-known couple counselling researcher, John Gottman, illustrates that although conflict management is important for successful marriages, it is hardly the most important factor. He states that some of the happiest couples he has studied break several communication rules when they’re upset with each other.
It’s far more important to learn how to steadily build a deep, affectionate attachment through ongoing, healthy communication that enhances deep understanding of one another, fondness and appreciation, and shared meaning. It is these deeper attachments that help couples to turn toward each other versus away during times of stress and help couples to give one another generous assumptions. By focusing on these types of conversations and developing methods for making repairs following a fight, couples are stacking the odds for long-term relationship success.
For those couples who are desperate to improve their conflict management, there are a couple of helpful tips. The first is the simplest, yet highly effective: Agree to take breaks from conversations when one or both partners becomes flooded with strong emotions. Just taking a twenty-minute break to self-soothe will make a great difference to the outcome of a tough conversation. It’s also helpful for the person needing the break to announce how long they will need and then take responsibility for resuming the conversation. The second tip is to initiate gently. Gottman states that he can predict with 96% accuracy whether a fight will be resolved or end well by witnessing the first 3 minutes. If it starts out harshly, it will almost certainly end that way. Ask yourself a few questions prior to engaging in a tough conversation, such as, “Is now a good time for me and my partner?”, and, “How can I approach this issue in a way that will be effective?”.
The old saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” holds true for relationship success. Approaching not only touchy issues but also deeply personal matters with skill and sensitivity can go a very long way to avoiding fights and creating a deep sense of trust and commitment within a relationship. A great book on communication, “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg, is invaluable for this process and breaks communication into four parts: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests (OFNR). An example I often use in sessions is a couple driving along the Coquihalla in winter. Imagine a wife driving at a speed similar to other vehicles with the husband feeling very concerned due to having experienced an accident along the highway. The husband has been tense and eventually blurts out, “You’re driving too fast. Slow down!” It’s unlikely this conversation will go well. Using OFNR, the husband would instead state, “When you drive at 120km/hr in the winter, I feel sweaty and my stomach hurts. I need to feel safer. Would you be willing to drive at 100km/hr until Hope?
Rosenberg’s approach is also useful for possibly the most important aspect to healthy, happy relationships – demonstrating a deep understanding of one another. In the above example, even if the husband had told his wife she was driving too fast and demanded she slow down, the wife might have listened for her husband’s underlying feelings and needs. Rather than reacting with defensiveness, she might have considered his prior accident and shown understanding: “It must feel scary to be on this highway again in the winter.”
Seemingly trivial day-to-day problems with communicating such as the driving example can drive a wedge over time in a couple’s attachment. In William Miller’s book, “Listening Well”, he provides a list of 12 roadblocks to good listening. Two of the more common roadblocks I witness are reassuring and advising. Both seem rooted in good intentions but create a lack of feeling understood. The reflexive response of reassurance might go like this:
Wife: “I’m such an idiot! I can’t believe I raved about my new job when he just lost his!” Husband: “Oh, I bet it didn’t upset him! He might have needed to hear some good news.”
Advising also seems to be rooted in wanting to help a partner out of their upset. In the prior example, the husband might instead say:
“Maybe tell him tomorrow that you know how he feels about losing his job because you lost yours two years ago.”
So, how does one respond in a way that will foster long-term relationship success? The key involves two aspects. The first, paying attention without filters/biases, is the more obvious but possibly as difficult as the second factor, demonstrating understanding. Using the prior example, the husband might say:
“That sounds really tough! I know how important it is for you to be sensitive to what other people are going through.”
Generally, demonstrating understanding falls on a spectrum of complexity. Often, just simply reflecting on what has been shared both verbally and nonverbally is all that is needed. In deeper conversations, adding reflections that show understanding for one’s partner in a broader context such as their history, dreams, and values into the dialogue can be deeply validating. The husband noting how important being sensitive to others in the prior conversation is an example of pulling a deeper layer into the conversation. Developing these skills to a level that feels natural typically takes diligent, patient practice similar to learning a new language.
In summary, it serves couples well to pay most of their attention to the day to day aspects of demonstrating understanding through listening well, being clear with each other about their feelings, needs, and specific requests, as well as using these skills together to nurture their fondness, admiration, and shared meaning. Having a deep attachment not only creates a buffer for inevitable fights, but more importantly satisfies some of our deepest needs of feeling known, cared for, and respected.